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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Please do not read this.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
There`s no WE in pizza.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!