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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.