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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species