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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.