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¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.