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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.