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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.