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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative