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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.