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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I flunked anger management class.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.