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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)