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Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.