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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.