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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.