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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.