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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.