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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.