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Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.