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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.