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Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species