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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.