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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....