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I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong