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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"