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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.