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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
My pants are 75% off.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.