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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.