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Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.