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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.