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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late