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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....