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Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon