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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
The older I get the better I used to be.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.