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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
Iām not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.