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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Chip clips are for quitters.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.