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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”