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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.