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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.