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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.