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I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......