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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels