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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up