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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when Iām making a questionable decision for my life.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.