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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.