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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.