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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.