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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
God is creative... I mean look at me??
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.