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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?