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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Honk if you wanna see the finger
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......