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For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
This recliner and I go way back.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!