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Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.