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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...