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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
i dont have drain bramage.