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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!