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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.