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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
It`s no fun if you have permission.