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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?