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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it`s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.