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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.