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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.