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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.